Which Do You Feed, Anxiety or Hope?

Photo by Rufus46 CC BY-SA 3.0

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside of me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Cherokee Legend, from First People

I was holding my grandson last night. He’s not even three months old. But when he’s older I will tell him this story.

The legend doesn’t mention anxiety. But I’m the anxiety guy. For me, everything comes back to whether or not something feeds anxiety or reduces it. You can’t always choose your circumstances, but you can choose which wolf you feed. One will breed anxiety. The other will breed hope.

The wolves are hungry to influence how you function in your family, work, church and the world around you. Here are some thoughts about how to feed the good wolf.

Listen without reacting.

The worst thing you can do in an anxiety-producing situation is speak. You are likely to introduce more anxiety, which creates a downward spiral. Keep your thoughts to yourself and just listen. Saying, “Thanks for sharing,” followed by phrases like, “Tell me more” or “What makes you feel this way?” is simple, shows respect and enables you to self-regulate. They feed the good wolf. Getting defensive and trying to convince the other that he or she is wrong will feed the evil wolf.

Say what you believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

Listening doesn’t mean you have to stuff your emotions. But you need to self-regulate. The key to being a non-anxious presence is being able to say what you believe while staying emotionally connected. This is hard to do. You WILL feel anxious inside. But if you can do this calmly, even humorously, you can bring down the tension in the situation.

Here is a phrase you can practice. “Hey, I respect your opinion. I’m just saying what I believe. You don’t have to agree with me. I just feel I need to be honest because I value our relationship.”

You’ll need to practice it a lot. The higher the emotional stakes, the harder it will be to do. So if you’ve never taken an emotional stand with a parent (or fill in the blank, i.e. sibling, spouse, pastor, congregant, boss, co-worker, etc.), it will take a lot to be able to do this. And, the likely result is things will get worse before they get better. But, if you can maintain a non-anxious presence, you will feed the good wolf. For both of you.

An exception is social media.

When it comes to social media, don’t do anything. It is not a place where people can have a reasonable discussion. So, just keep your thoughts to yourself and let go of it. If you get into a “discussion (more like argument)” on social media, nobody wins. You feed the evil wolf. If you let go of what bothers you, you feed the good wolf. It might be hard at first, but it will get easier with practice.

Finally, attend to the things that matter.

Invest in your spiritual life. Here’s my post on that. Connect with your family, however it is configured. Work through the issues in your family of origin. Learn to take non-anxious, emotional stands with those who are most important to you. If you do these things, your good wolf will grow strong. You will live a life filled with hope. And the evil wolf will starve.

Intensity Is the Mother of Dissension

Photo courtesy Active Garage blog

ost of what I’ve learned in family systems is counter-intuitive. Dealing with anxiety is no exception. A big takeaway is that the anxiety I feel about a situation has more to do with me and how I function in my family of origin than it does about the content of the situation.

This is true of seriousness, as well. Seriousness presents a paradox. You have to be serious about things, but if you get too intense, it will consume you. That’s when anxiety can become uncontrollable.

It’s this sort of intensity that makes a small problem a big problem and a big problem an overwhelming one. Its main characteristic is persistence. You would think persistence is a good thing. But not when it comes in the form of trying harder and harder through serious, intense efforts. This results in greater anxiety, a lack of flexibility and, paradoxically, the greater chance that the problem will become chronic.

So what do you do?

Lighten up. Stop thinking about the problem. Stop trying to fix it. Get some perspective.

(You’re now thinking, “That’s easy for you to say, it’s not your problem!”)

Here are some things you can do.

Pray

Of course, you can pray. But don’t pray about the problem. That will make you anxious. Pray for others. Pray for world peace. Pray for your church (unless that’s what is making you anxious). The idea of this kind of prayer is to get outside of yourself and your problems and connect with God. It will make God bigger and make the problem look smaller.

Meditate

OK…this is sounding like another blog post I wrote on spiritual practices. But, the reason meditation works is it has physical affects that will help. It lowers stress levels and increases your ability to focus. This will make you feel better, but it will also help you to be intentional about thinking about things other than your problem.

Exercise (especially outside)

You don’t have to get intense about this. Especially if you don’t exercise regularly. Just increasing your activity level will help. It will be even more effective if you are able to spend some time in the beauty of Creation. There is nothing like the proverbial walk in the park.

Do Something You Enjoy

This is the thing you’re least likely to do in the face of chronic anxiety. What makes anxiety chronic is you can’t stop thinking about the problem and ways to fix it. Having fun interrupts this kind of intensity. It will help reduce anxiety and create perspective. It doesn’t matter what you do. It’s whatever gives you joy. It could be reading, playing or listening to music, playing or watching sports, cooking, ad infinitum. It’s process, not content. The process here is to get your mind off the problem, to reduce the intensity.

So, whatever your problem, get some perspective. Work to keep it from consuming you. It might not fix it, but you might just put it in its place.

Trouble Managing Anxiety? Talk to Your Family

The Lord passed before Moses, and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, yet by no means clearing the guilty, but visiting the iniquity of the parents upon the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.”

Exodus 34:6-7 (NRSV)

This passage is part of the second giving of the Ten Commandments. In the first, God provided two tablets and wrote on them. But, while Moses was with God on the mountain, the people got anxious when Moses was delayed. They begged Aaron to fashion a god that would be with them. Aaron collected their gold jewelry and made a golden calf, which they worshipped. The Bible describes the people as running wild. When Moses came down from the mountain he was so angry, he threw the tablets down and broke them at the foot of the mountain

The second time God tells Moses to bring his own tablets and God will write on him. It’s like when I was in school they would give me a composition book, but if I lost it, I had to buy a replacement.

What is significant about this passage is the explicit nature of God’s grace. God’s character is revealed as forgiveness, mercy, grace and steadfast love. Despite the transgression of an entire people, God will forgive and continue to love to the thousandth generation.

But there is a consequence for iniquity.

God says that the iniquity of the parents will be visited upon offspring to the third and fourth generation. I don’t believe God is promising to punish future generations. I believe God is stating a fact that the dysfunction of our families gets passed on from generation to generation.

We know this was true for the Israelites. Even when they made it to the promised land, they couldn’t stop worshiping false idols. It led to their eventual downfall as a nation. What started in the wilderness continued well beyond the third and fourth generation.

This is a bedrock principle in family systems theory.

We know that all kinds of issues get passed from generation to generation. There are very visible and destructive ones like physical, sexual, emotional and substance abuse. But just about everything about who we are comes from our family of origin. This is true about how we deal with anger and conflict, raise children, handle money, celebrate holidays and a host of other behaviors, good, bad or indifferent.

Some things that are passed on are known and celebrated. We call these traditions. Others are unspoken.

This is especially true of anxiety.

In her article, How Trauma Is Carried Across Generations: Holding the Secret History of our Ancestors, Molly S. Castelloe references the work of M. Gerald Fromm. She writes,

The transmission of trauma may be particular to a given family suffering a loss, such as the death of an infant, or it can be a shared response to societal trauma.

Maurice De Witt, a sidewalk Santa on Fifth Avenue noticed a marked change in behavior the holiday season following 9/11 when parents would not “let the hands of their children go. The kids sense that. It’s like water seeping down, and the kids can feel it… There is an anxiety, but the kids can’t make the connections.”

“This astute man was noticing a powerful double message in the parent’s action,” Fromm says. “Consciously and verbally, the message was ‘Here’s Santa. Love him.’ Unconsciously and physically, it was ‘Here’s Santa. Fear him.’ The unnamed trauma of 9/11 was communicated to the next generation by the squeeze of a hand.”

Psychic legacies are often passed on through unconscious cues or affective messages that flow between child and adult. Sometimes anxiety falls from one generation to the next through stories told.”

How do you deal with life when it makes you anxious?

My mother was born in Seattle in 1923. Her father and his brothers owned a fish-wholesaling business. They were the first non-Anglo business on the Seattle waterfront. But my grandfather sent the family back to Japan in 1933 to help the business survive the depression. Her mother came back to Seattle a few years later to be with her husband. My mom and her four siblings stayed with their Aunt in Hiroshima until 1947.

I grew up hearing my mother’s stories of life in Japan. Most of them centered around what life was like being separated from her parents while her own country, the US, and her country of origin and residence, Japan, were at war. Some of them were about the A-bomb. Her family was fortunate. Of the five children, only the youngest, Nobu, was killed in the blast. She was 15. She is front and center in the photo above. My mother is back, left.

I don’t know if the stories transmitted anxiety or not. I do know that I’m glad they were told.

If you have anxiety about a situation at work, the church or at home, the best thing you can do is talk to your family of origin.

It doesn’t have to be about your anxiety. Just ask about their life. What was hard? What was good? What do they remember? Hear their stories.

Do this with anyone who has a memory of your family’s history. Your parents. Grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Anyone who has a story to tell.

The anxiety that is transmitted from generation to generation is not inevitable. You can stop the transmission of anxiety. That starts with hearing the untold stories.

Six years ago my Aunt called me on my birthday. She doesn’t usually call. When she did, she said, “Happy Birthday! Same birthday as Nobu.”

I wanted to say, “What?! I have the same birthday as my aunt who was killed in the A-bomb and nobody told me?!”

I thanked my aunt for telling me and told her that I had never known this, using the best non-anxious response I could muster.

Then I called my mom and asked her about it. “What? Hmmm. Oh yeah, I guess you did have the same birthday. I guess I forgot about it.”

I wonder what anxiety was transmitted by not telling me. I wonder what anxiety was released when I found out. I can’t really answer it, but I feel like it’s a good thing.

It’s not really a big deal. But it is nice to know this. It binds me in a special way to my family heritage that I can’t even explain.

I wrote in a blog post a year ago about my experience going to Hiroshima with my mom, my siblings and our spouses. Again, I can’t pin down exactly how it helped me or our family, but I know it did.

So, talk to your family. Whether that’s the people who came before or those who came after. Listen to the stories. You will learn things that will communicate the truth about who you are and where you come from.

And the truth will set you free.

Vision without Emotional Connection is Narcissism

I learned a long time ago that the leader of an organization needs to spend about 80% of her time in the future. The day-to-day is important, but somebody needs to know where the organization should go to fulfill its mission, whether that’s saving souls, saving the world or making a profit. If you don’t have vision, the organization (or whatever part of it you lead) will flounder. Without a vision, people will focus on doing things the way it’s always been done and that’s recipe for a slow, agonizing death.

Worse yet, when you, as the leader, don’t have vision, people get anxious. That’s because people want to be led. They want to know where things are headed. It doesn’t mean they’ll always follow. It DOES mean they will be less anxious than if there were no vision.

But, vision by itself is not enough. You need to stay emotionally connected to your followers for the vision to make a difference. This is especially true if there are resisters. This is hard. When you are trying to lead, the last thing you want to do is to stay connected with those who don’t agree with you or, even worse, with those who are trying to stop you in your tracks. But, not staying connected is narcissism.

A key element of narcissism is the lack of empathy. A narcissist disregards the feelings of others.

An effective leader is able to share her vision while giving others the freedom to disagree.

When you give others the freedom to disagree you are staying emotionally connected. You are showing that you understand how they feel and that it’s OK to disagree. That is leadership through self-differentiation. Here’s a reminder of Edwin Friedman’s definition from his book, Generation to Generation:

“The basic concept of leadership through self-differentiation is this.  If a leader will take primary responsibility for his or her own goals and self, while staying in touch with the rest of the organism, there is more than a reasonable chance that the body will follow.  There may be initial resistance but, if the leader can stay in touch with the resisters, the body will usually go along.”  (Generation to Generation, p. 229)

When you articulate your vision, you are taking responsibility for your own goals and self. But if you are doing it without emotional connection, especially with those who resist, you are asking for trouble. The resistors will get more anxious, will find ways to obstruct what you are trying to accomplish and will make leading difficult, if not impossible.

People often misinterpret Friedman to think that leadership through self-differentiation is all about defining self and moving full-steam ahead. In his article, “Misreading Family Systems Theory,” Leander Harding describes what is known as the Yeager Theory in family systems. He writes:

“Friedman uses the metaphor of General Chuck Yeager and the sound barrier. When the sound barrier was being approached the aircraft would experience more and more turbulence as the plane closed in on the critical speed. Pilots would drive their aircraft to what they thought was the limit and then, afraid that the airplane would shake apart, back off without breaking the barrier. Yeager believed a physicist friend that it would be smooth on the other side of the barrier and put on speed just when most pilots were backing off and became the first to break the sound barrier.”

Yeager was correct. He had the courage to increase his speed at the point when the other pilots backed off. Once he pushed through the sound barrier, he experienced smooth sailing.

Friedman uses the sound barrier metaphor to describe what one experiences when leading change. There WILL be resistance. If one can maintain a non-anxious presence the resistance will likely dissipate. “Presence” is the key. It means staying emotionally connected.

Harding maintains that there is a tendency to misinterpret this metaphor by leaders who lack an understanding of family systems theory and, more importantly, do not make the difficult journey of doing their own work. He coined the term, the “Yeager Heresy” to describe leaders who are unable, or unwilling, to discern the difference between taking a principled stand and becoming rigidly inflexible. Those who fall for this heresy see the family systems approach as a “technique” for achieving their goals.

Leaders who are taught that sabotage and crisis are inevitable when they begin to lead through self-differentiation are also taught that they need to avoid getting wrapped up in content and need to understand the emotional processes involved. What he cautions against is taking a stand in a way that leaves others no room to do the same thing. When you are a non-anxious presence, you create emotional space where others are also able to self-differentiate.

You give others the freedom to disagree.

When we see leading through self-differentiation as a technique, we miss the opportunity for real conversation. We are unable to discern between those who are able to self-differentiate and those who are engaging in sabotage. Harding describes it this way:

“They have not heard the challenge that leadership involves staying emotionally connected to the members of the system, especially those with whom they are most emotionally uncomfortable. They have not heard the warning that this leadership theory is primarily about controlling one’s own emotionality and not a recipe for handling or manipulating others. The result is a generation of leaders on all sides of the current polarization who think that leadership consists of taking a bold stand and persisting in a damn the torpedoes full steam ahead mode. When resistance arises and the ship threatens to shake apart they are convinced that smooth skies are just ahead and they pour on the speed. They will not be able to perceive that they have not done the personal and relational homework necessary to really make a positive contribution until the wings come off as they now are.”

What Harding points out is that those who misunderstand leadership through self-differentiation ignore the fact that it requires emotional connection with those who resist. It’s not enough to know who what you believe. You also need to do the hard work of dealing with your own anxiety so that you can be a non-anxious presence for others.

So cast your vision. Follow God’s leading to the best of your ability. But, stay emotionally connected. Especially with those who disagree. It will be hard. But if you want to lead change, it’s the only way.

Making a Difference Is Scary

By Thisisbossi CC BY-SA 2.5 via Wikimedia Commons

Seth Godin recently had a blog post entitled “Feels risky.” He writes every day and his posts are usually brief. Here is the entire post:

“The gulf between “risky” and “feels risky” is huge. And it’s getting bigger.

It turns out that value creation lives in this gap. The things that most people won’t do (because it feels risky) that are in fact not risky at all.

If your compass for forward motion involves avoiding things that feel risky, it pays to get significantly better informed about what actually is risky.”

Posted by Seth Godin on August 02, 2017

This is profound.

Think about how often you felt called to do something, but were afraid. What were you afraid of?

As I thought about this, I realized that most times that I feel afraid have nothing to do with the amount of risk involved. I may be worried about failing, but is there really any risk? Or do I worry what others think if I don’t succeed?

Just because something FEELS risky doesn’t mean it IS risky.

Seth Godin has a corollary to “feels risky.” It’s, “This might not work.” Godin contends that we are not really putting ourselves out there to make a difference unless, at some point, we say to ourselves, “This might not work.” And that feels risky.

I felt this way about this blog when I launched it last September. What if nobody reads it? What if it’s bad? That feels risky. But it wasn’t. It cost next to nothing and the downside was all about how I would feel if it failed. That’s not risky. It just felt that way.

Godin’s post was providential. It appeared in my inbox on a day when I was trying to make a big decision.

Some background is helpful. Last Thanksgiving I was inspired to write a book about how to be a non-anxious leader. As I often write in this blog, family systems theory has been the foundation of who I have become as a leader. I made a commitment to write for 30 minutes each morning and by April I had a 10 chapter manuscript. But now what?

I made some inquiries about publishers. I did a lot of research about traditional publishing and self-publishing. I even submitted a book proposal, but never heard anything back. Two weeks ago I was on the website, publishizer.com, that helps connect authors with publishers, as well as authors crowdfund their book. A successful campaign can get the attention of one or more of the 180+ publishers that they work with. If a book deal doesn’t result, the author has the funds to self-publish.

I noticed that they have something called an “accelerator” program. They select a cohort of 12 authors whom they take through an eight-week intensive schedule to crowdfund their book. The more copies the author pre-sells, the more likely a publisher will be interested. It’s designed to help authors get from manuscript to publishing deal. So I applied. Three days later I was offered a spot in the next accelerator cohort.

I wanted to do it, but I was also afraid. This feels risky. This might not work.

Then Seth Godin’s blog post showed up in my inbox. It was exactly what I needed. Yes…this feels risky, but it’s not really. If I fail, what’s the downside? It might be a bit embarrassing, but I won’t be any worse off. And, if it does work, the book can help a lot of people learn what I have learned about how to be a non-anxious leader. Making a difference is scary.

So I said yes. Next week I’ll be launching a campaign for my book, Anxious Church, Anxious People: How to Lead Change in an Age of Anxiety. I have no idea how it will turn out. It feels risky. It might not work. But I can live with that.

Four Ways Humor Can Make You a Better Leader

Nobody takes the class clown seriously. But that doesn’t mean you need to be serious all the time to be an effective leader. In fact, that will make you less effective. Left unchecked, seriousness creates anxiety and makes it harder for you, and the people you lead, to work effectively.

In family systems theory, Edwin Friedman emphasizes the importance of using humor to keep things loose as an antidote for anxiety. In A Failure of Nerve, Friedman writes about the importance of managing anxiety, your own and that of those around you. The effect of humor is to keep things less anxious. In doing so, it helps everyone. He writes: “The principles illustrated here have to do, among other things, with injecting humor and keeping things loose. The looser your presence is, the looser everyone’s relationship will be with you and one another.” (pg. 256).

You might be thinking, “I don’t want a loose relationship with people I lead. I want them to take me seriously.” Used appropriately, humor will not diminish that. Here are four ways it can help you.

Humor builds trust.

When you laugh, you release oxytocin. And, as I wrote previously, oxytocin builds trust, which is your most important asset as a leader. What’s surprising is that humor doesn’t just build people’s trust in you as a leader, it also builds trust among team members. That’s because the humor, and therefore the oxytocin, has the effect of building trust with anyone you come in contact with during the burst of oxytocin. In one study, people who watched a funny video clip were 30% more likely to reveal personal information to a stranger than people who watched a neutral video clip.

This goes back to Friedman’s point about keeping things loose. Humor not only builds trust, but it helps teams bond in important ways.

Humor supports innovation.

In his book, Little Bets: How Breakthrough Ideas Emerge from Little Discoveries, author Peter Sims shows that humor is critical to innovation. According to Sims, a playful and humorous environment is most critical for innovation when ideas are in their infancy because that’s when they are most vulnerable to getting killed. Game-changing ideas are much less likely to survive in a super-serious environment because you will err on the side of caution. Humor loosens things up so you are less afraid to go with a new idea.

Humor promotes more effective learning.

When you laugh, you also release dopamine, which aids in memory and information processing. When you are trying to get a point across that you want people to remember, make sure to inject some humor. This is true in a workshop, staff meeting, sermon or even an informal setting. Humor will make what you say more memorable.

Humor improves negotiations.

Researchers Karen O’Quinn and Joel Aronoff set up a study where participants negotiated the price of a piece of art. They found that when sellers threw in the playful line, “…and I’ll throw in my pet frog,” with their final offer, participants granted 18% more in concessions than did the control group. Another study found that sending an inoffensive, funny cartoon to someone during a sales negotiation generated 15% more in profits. It’s believed that in both these examples, the use of humor helps to develop trust, which leads to better outcomes.

Two notes of caution.

By now you should be convinced of the benefits of humor for you as a leader. However, I need to say two things, which may be obvious. One, make sure the humor is appropriate. An offensive or demeaning joke will have exactly the opposite effect. It will destroy trust and make the atmosphere more anxious. Two, don’t use humor to manipulate. It’s not a technique to get what you want, but to build more trusting, more effective relationships.

So lighten up. It will improve just about everything you do as a leader. You might even have fun.

Finding a Path without Anxiety or Blame

This is my take on where we are as country at the beginning of the Trump Administration.

Here is the video transcript. Please remember that it will read like a conversation, not a term paper (maybe that’s a good thing).

Hey there, Jack Shitama. Today is January 21st 2017, the day after inauguration day. That means the Obama administration is over. No cheering. And that means the Trump administration has begun. No booing. And for the most part we’ve had a peaceful transition of power, something that’s a hallmark with our country.

I want to share with you that I love Barack Obama. I loved what he did and stood for as a president. I love his family. I love how he carried himself in the office and so I’m sad to see him go. Before you start yelling at me I need to share with you that I do not make decisions about my values rationally. They come from a place in me that’s deep and not logical and I don’t really understand. I am biased. I make my decisions about my values and then I rationalize it.

Now here is something you need to understand. You’re not rational either. None of us makes rational decisions about deeply held things or even economic decisions. If you don’t believe me Google “behavioral economics.” There’s all kinds of research that shows how we don’t make decisions based on logic. We make them based on something else and then we rationalize them.

So here we are on January 21st, 2017 and we have people who are happy about the new Trump administration. We have people who are angry. We have people who are fearful. We have people who are troubled. All of these people disagree but that doesn’t necessarily make any of them bad people.

I think we have a problem in this country. Clearly, we’re divided but it’s not even the division of belief that’s the problem. It is that we demonize those with whom we disagree. We make them into the enemy and I believe that that comes from a deep rooted anxiety in our country. I don’t know if he originated this statement but, Seth Godin says that anxiety is experiencing failure in advance. And there is something about the way our country is right now that people are anxious about the future and they are experiencing the demise of our country even before it happens.

I read a book this fall by Edwin Friedman, who wrote Generation to Generation about family systems theory. The book is called A Failure of Nerve and in it he says that we live in a chronically anxious society. And this anxiety makes it hard for people to function. It makes it hard for leaders to innovate. It makes it hard for communities and for states and nations to see a path into the future, where they can feel hopeful.

One of the symptoms of this chronic anxiety is blame. Friedman calls it “blame displacement.” What happens in a chronically anxious family, in a chronically anxious system of any kind, a chronically anxious country, is people blame other people for their own problems.

Let me try to make everybody mad here. Just think about this. How many people are blaming blacks or whites, the rich or the poor, manufacturers or Mexicans, police or Planned Parenthood, corporations or congress. Well, everybody is blaming congress. Even that’s not fair because congress or legislators are our representatives. They are a reflection of who we are in our divided country. Our country is designed so that when things are divided in this way things don’t happen very quickly. So give your legislator a break, they are doing the best they can.

Getting back to this blame displacement, when we start to blame others for our own condition, what it means is we are not taking responsibility for our own feelings, for our own beliefs, for our own situation. When we don’t do that it is nearly impossible to find a path into the future. So what do we do about it?

Viktor Frankl was a survivor of one of the Nazi death camps in Auschwitz. After he survived, he wanted to see what it was that contributed to those who survived versus those who didn’t. One of the things he found, he shared in his book Man’s Search for Meaning.  According to Frankl, the most important factor in survival was the ability for someone to have a vision of the future that included hope. Even in the situation where one is in a concentration camp and likely to die, those who survived could envision getting out. They could envision a future where they were living a productive and decent life again. They could envision a future that didn’t include the death camp, a future that included hope.

Here is what Frankl says about our human condition. “Everything can be taken from a person but one thing, the last of the human freedoms. To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one’s own way. When we are no longer able to change the situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space is our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

So whether you are hopeful or nor right now about the direction of our country, the question is, how are you going to respond to people who disagree with you? How are you going to respond to those who don’t believe what you believe? I think we can choose to show respect. I think we can choose to value another even if they disagree with us. I think it’s critically important if we’re going to make any kind of progress in our society.

Now that doesn’t mean that you don’t work for what you believe in. You can work to change laws, you can work to change policy, you can work to make a difference in the world but just because somebody disagrees with you doesn’t make them evil. They are another person and they are worthy of our respect.

In that space between when we’re stimulated by somebody that we don’t agree with, we can choose to respond with anger, with blame, or we can choose to respond with respect. More importantly I believe as a Christian we can choose to respond with love.

Less than a week ago we celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday. Dr. King was an ordained minister and his movement of non-violent change was based on his following of Jesus. Because Jesus was the one who showed us how to love others, even those who persecuted us, even those whom we think are evil, even those with whom we disagree.

Here is what Dr. King said “We must live together as brothers and sisters or perish together as fools. Hatred polarizes life, love releases it. Hatred confuses life, love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life, love illuminates it. Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend”.

Now there ARE evil people in this world. There are people who do things that are clearly evil. But Dr. King reminds us that even in that case, we are to hate the evil but love the person. And I want to suggest that most people aren’t evil they are just different. They are not any more rational than we are and they have beliefs that are deeply held.

I learned a few years ago that people don’t change their deeply held values. So rather than trying to convince them to change their minds, can we own our own feelings? Can we say this is what I believe, this is what I stand for but also love and respect the other? I think if we’re able to do that, we’re able to change the dynamic. We won’t get the other to agree with us but perhaps we can live with the other differently, with love and respect.

This is not easy, it means that we need to look inside of ourselves and ask ourselves the question, what is it in me that’s making me angry? What is it in me that makes me want to blame? And then ask God to fill us, to take that away from us and to fill us with love and with grace so that we can show care and respect even those with whom we disagree and those that seem hateful to us.

This is not easy. It’s hard work. Leadership is hard work. And if we are going to be leaders who help change the world, if we are going to be people that help show others that there is a way of hope, then I think that’s our responsibility.

That’s our challenge for today. To be the kind of leader that is able to show love and grace to everyone, especially to those that we want to despise. If we can do that we can change our culture. It’s not going to be easy.

Brene Brown has done a lot of work on vulnerability. I was listening to her on a podcast recently and she said, “One of the things I’ve learned is to choose courage over comfort.” To show love and respect and grace is not easy, it makes us vulnerable. But can we choose courage over comfort? I believe that if we can, we can change our world and we can find a way together, even with those with whom we disagree.